I am alone

Typical livejournal blog, but I don't give a fuck because no one reads this.

I have become so lost in life. I've kinda brushed school aside, I broke up with a girl that I didn't love... which I guess is a good thing in the end, but I led that relationship on for over a year. It has only been almost 2 weeks and I'm already making a mistake by talking to someone new. She is beautiful and she seems nice, but I just don't want to do anything with anyone.

I want to sit in my room, get all of the tears out of me and try to readjust my life. School needs to be my main focus. I need to get my GPA back up so when I graduate I can go on to grad school and look for a decent job. Not because society tells me I need to do so, but because I want that life for myself. I am the only person that can make it happen. I know I have the capability, but it is just so hard to make myself do it. I know, first world problems, huh?

Right now, I fucking hate myself. I don't know what to do about this new girl. I can't rush into another relationship, or I'll surely go off the deep end. Plus, I'm tired of hurting.

I'm broke. I'm tired. I'm depressed. I'm confused. I feel like this blog post will serve no real purpose other than getting some venting off of my chest.

Thank you to the awesome movies I watch and the depressing music I listen to for making me feel slightly better. And to a select few friends, thank you for being there for me. I know you all have your own shit to deal with, so when you make time to deal with my shit, I know that I can truly call you a good friend. And my family. I love all of you so very much, and I'm sorry I've never been the best son. Iknow you guys deserve a lot more love out of me, and I don't call my brother and sister as much as I'd like... but you guys are always in my heart and I miss you guys so much. Glenn, I really wish you could be here right now.

I sit here, crying as I type this. Just so confused as to what to do next. I have a date tonight that I'm having second thoughts about. But, I'm too much of a pushover to say anything. I don't want to hurt somebody else's feelings and it puts that much more pressure on my own feelings. That is all I can feel right now. An enormous amount of pressure.

You won't find love in a hole. It takes more than fucking someone to keep yourself warm.

As for everything else, fuck you.

Sworn To The Darkness

I have returned, bwahaha.

Recently, I have decided to revive this blog. My interest in music, film, and concerts has only increased, and I feel the need to express my opinion on those subjects. I'm no journalist, but I will do my absolute best to write well thought out reviews, among other personal experiences/rants.

Let us see where this goes...

Now playing:

Thou - Summit
Yndi Halda - Enjoy Eternal Bliss
Thrice - Beggars
Deathspell Omega - Paracletus

Life as of late

sucks.

On my birthday, my only wish is for something to go right for me. I'm going to go drown my sorrows in alcohol.

I'm Trying To Disappear

This life is not inviting. The fighting in me has ceased. When it looks like I'm growing thin and weak, please don't hesitate to cut the leash. It's only a matter of time before I inherit my bloodline's evils. I don't think it's wise for me to get close to too many people. My bruises seem to be breeding, and my body has become a landing strip for flies. In the mirror watching blood dry, trying to cut out the bags beneath my eyes.

My skin is turning gray, and I haven't bathed in days. Please don't encourage me - I'm enslaved, I can't be saved.

A couple of months later...

And things are more or less the same. A couple of interesting things have happened, such as being inducted to my college's honor society, Phi Theta Kappa. Don't be mislead by the name, though, because I won't be partaking in Greek life. So, it's pretty much a Greek title without the date rape and drunkenness. 

Also, after putting it off for quite some time, I am finally going to the DMV this week to obtain my license. It's about fucking time, honestly. I really don't know why I waited so long to get it, though. I mean, it's not like I fear the road, driving, or anything of the sort. Procrastination and laziness got the best of me, I guess.

On another school related note, I'm starting up a Spanish club for the fall semester. I know that doesn't mean much for people reading this blog, but it's practically a milestone in my life. The fact that I even wanted to start this club really opened my eyes to exactly how important school life is to me now. Just a year ago, I would skip a class that  I was practically failing just because I didn't feel like putting forth the effort. In a really cliché way, I'm really proud of myself. Some people might say that grades are not important, but they sure as hell are to me. There is absolutely nothing you can say to convince me otherwise. But back to the original point, if any LCC students read this, join the club!

Oh yeah, United Blood 2009. Trash Talk dropped off day one due to a family emergency, so I was a little bummed about that. The following bands definitely made a fan out of me: COA, Title Fight, Convicted, War Hungry, and Trapped Under Ice (live). I say live because I still can't get into TUI on record. Personally, I think they're a tad overrated, but whatever.

Day Two was definitely the day I was excited for. Converge, Blacklisted, Ceremony, Pulling Teeth, Coliseum, and Rise & Fall all played, among others. All of the aforementioned bands absolutely killed, including Pulling Teeth, despite the incident that caused this fest to be cleverly renamed "United Flood." 

During Pulling Teeth's set, people were climbing along pipes on the first floor's ceiling, which wasn't very smart in the first place. But you know, whatever!  I guess the pipe had had enough at that point, and completely burst open. Unfortunately, this caused Pulling Teeth to immediately stop their set, and most of the main floor was evacuated for cleaning. Now, there was a big debate was to what exactly was in the water that covered the floor. People were saying it was a mixture of filtered poop and water, filtered oil and water, etc. All I will say is that it smelled bad when I stood close to the stream, and it was a blackish color. 

About an hour or so later, Pulling Teeth finished out their set. Rise & Fall, Coliseum, Blacklisted, and Ceremony all had amazing sets, as I had expected. However, no one could touch Converge. Not by a mile. Every time I see Converge live, I am completely floored by how greatly they execute their songs. When Kurt Ballou started riffing on "Plagues," I felt like a 5 year old at an amusement park. I hadn't been that excited in quite a while, and all that culminated as soon as the opening notes to "The Saddest Day" were played. 

I could go on, but I think everyone should know by now how great Converge is live. Side note - they played a new song, and it destroyed. 

Well, I'm done typing. I'll see you in a few months. Hopefully sooner.

Goodbye, young friend.

I didn't know this kitty for too long, which was unfortunate. However, I first saw him just weeks after he was born, and I remember picking him up and cuddling him. It was funny, because until recently, he was always really distant to me. Every time I approached him, he would hiss at me and warn me to keep my distance. A little baby kitty thinking I'm going to be scared!

But within the past two weeks or so, this one finally started opening up to me. He came inside of my house, it spent the night inside, despite it's moan-like meowing. Not long after, he would start rubbing up against my legs every time I saw him. Just earlier today, he kept following me and demanded me to pet him. :)

But then I woke up from a short lived nap to the racket that was actually my mother bawling. My dad had accidentally hit the poor kitty. Naturally, I went out and called for him, only to be returned by the most pained sounds an animal can make. Not a meow, not a cry; this was something far more tear-jerking.

For the squeamish, I will warn you, it gets a little graphic and a little emotional at this point.

My neighbor, Mr. Henderson, handles kitties and dogs very well, so he came over with his flashlight so we could see exactly where the kitty was hiding. He was under our Explorer, and stared at us. Mouth agape, drenched in blood, having spasms due to the pain, and trying his absolute best to limp towards us. He crawled over just under the front tire, and we could see the damage done in it's entirety. At that point, we all knew that nothing could be done. He was crying for help, crying for the pain to be as quick as possible, and there was nothing I could do to help. He made one last tortured screech and coughed up a pool of blood. His eyes froze. One last spasm. I had never watched an animal die before.

With Kaitlin, I was depressed, but I didn't watch her die. I also realized that I had never truly named the kitty, besides the ridiculous nickname my mother gave him - "Titi." I'm not entirely sure why, but I decided on Jacob as soon as his life ended. Jacob was too young.

Keep Kaitlin company, Jacob. I already miss you.

Bringing you up to speed through photography...

For all of my fans out there (I kid, I kid), I apologize for not updating this as often as I'd like to. The winter break had my mind focused on other things, and now that I'm back at school, I've been pretty busy. Enjoy:

Receiving the M.E. Zeke Scholarship

Brothers reunited

Snow in Astoria, Queens

Times Square in all of its headachery/beauty

Brothers at the Rockefeller Center tree

Snow in Kinston, NC

The lady and me enjoying the snow

Sarah showing the camera some love

Album of 2008

Change!

Currently listening to:
===============
Harvey Milk - Courtesy And Goodwill Toward Men
Napalm Death - Time Waits For No Slave
Akimbo - Jersey Shores
Young Widows - Old Wounds
Mind Eraser - Glacial Reign


Currently reading:
=============
Comrades!: A History Of World Communism by Robert Service
Preacher Vol. 1: Gone To Texas by Garth Ennis, Steve Dillon
Buried Mirror by Carlos Fuentes
The Killing Joke by Alan Moore, Brian Bolland

Post-birthday joke

Yeah, I just turned 18. I will be hitting the clubs when I go to New York next week.

But more importantly, I came up with an amazing joke not ten minutes ago. Here goes:

---What do you call the act of using fruit as a sexual aphrodisiac?
-Umm, gee whilikers, dude, I dunno! What do you call that.

(Scroll down)



















Statuatory grape.


Bahahahaha.

I'm not dead...

Not yet!

I've been without a laptop for a little bit, so I haven't posted in over a month. Unfortunately, I don't have much to say other than I'm glad to almost be done with my first semester of school. I wrote a paper on the Ejército Zapatista de Liberación Nacional for my Spanish class, and I might post that at some point.

My birthday is in a few days, finals are almost over, and the holidays are here. I'm off to New York next week to celebrate the holidays with my family minus my sister. Fun times.

Fuck public transportation...

Seriously, nothing more needs to be said.

Yeah, I know I'm not 18...

It pisses me off that people over 18 are quick to silence those not of age simply because of the age difference. What kind of bullshit is that? I have an opinion, and even though it technically won't matter in this election, I have the right to express my opinion.

That being said, I don't want to get too idealistic, but I just can't help but be baffled by Palin supporters. And while she isn't running for president, she may have to eventually fill the position. A woman that won't answer a question directly, religiously force fed, and let's face it, just so fucking idiotic. I'm all for the rights of women, and I would definitely love to see a woman in the White House one day, but fuck, not her.

Another thing that scares me is a possible assassination attack on Barack Obama. Obviously with the constant threats being taken care of, it makes me feel a little more at ease. However, I just get to thinking how this situation would put us back decades, and how we would have to work that much harder to better this country.

And so, I have decided that if Senator Obama is assassinated in his tenure as president, I am moving to Canada. You think I'm bullshitting you, but as I'm growing older, I think about it more and more. It's just the mere fact that a lot of people in this country waste their brilliance on ignorant matters. Can we not accept a man of color, nay, HALF color in our oval office? God forbid what would happen if a full African American entered the White House.

Most people making this threat to exit the country seem to only be behind the idea if John McCain is elected. I don't think I'd move out of this place if that were the case, but another important factor to keep in mind is whether how much life is left in that man? I appreciate McCain's services and everything positive he has done for this country, but I'm not a supporter, that's all.

Bottom line: Fuck you for thinking that people under 18 shouldn't voice their opinion, and if Obama is assassinated or Palin takes over the White House, I'm knocking at Chris Colohan's door and telling him to get Cursed and The Swarm back together (in that order).

Fuck you very much,

Mario

Unnecessary Person(s)

I haven't posted in about a month, so I figured I'd get off my ass and type something up here. This evening, I'm here to talk to you about how there is an overabundance of photographers these days.

Now, I have two close friends that are stellar amateur photographers, and I appreciate and support their work. What pisses me off though is how pretty much everyone these days thinks they can point their camera at an object and call it "art" or "photography in its truest form." These kids consist of 15 year old, "political" hippies. They take a camera, go into a field of exuberant flowers, snap photographs at terrible angles, go onto their computers that their filthy rich parents spoiled them with, and photoshop the crap out of said photographs.

What do I say to these youngsters? Fuck them. Fuck every single thing about them. Just as in any other art form, support the artists that pour their complete being into their work. Support artists that show heart, emotion, and invoke thought through their respective art.

Plugs:



David G. Photography
www.myspace.com/davidgphotos



Shire Photography
www.myspace.com/ryanwphoto


Dianna Augustine Photography (Professional photographer)
http://www.flickr.com/photos/d_saygoodbye/

Wake me when it's springtime in heaven...

That's my little babe, Kaitlin Espinoza. She was always independent, outgoing, but still very warm and sweet. She made me smile when I didn't think I had one in me. She showed me how attached a pet owner could get to the pet. :)

I will always remember the times she would wake me up in the middle of the night and crawl right between my legs. I will always remember finding her sprawled out on my living room couch late at night. I will always remember how cute she looked playing with string. I will always remember holding her in my arms, rocking her to sleep. I will remember the first time she came to my house on my father's birthday. I will always remember loving her just as I love my sister. I will always remember Kaitlin, no matter what.

If there's a heaven I believe in, it's kitty heaven. I know you're there, babe, and you're going to live in happiness, where pain isn't in the dictionary.

I love you Kaitlin, and I'm going to miss you.

RIP

Just take deep breaths...

Recently, a girl I knew in high school had to deal with losing her current partner.  Obviously she wasn't the only one effected by the unexpected death of her loved one; I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like to bury your own child.  Life is beautiful, and it can harshly be snatched away in an instant. 

So, I got to thinking.  I thought about a lot of the trivial things I've argued with my girlfriend about, and really, how pointless some of it was.  Even today, I've said things that make me seem like a real jerkoff.  Why do I say these things?  Sometimes, I really don't even know.

But, what if it was Mary that was taken away?  A woman that I've been in love with for almost 3 years, just suddenly taken from me?  How does one, especially a person as young as I am or the girl who lost her boyfriend, learn to deal with such great pain?  Is it possible?

It's sad that it takes the death of another to make me thankful for some of the things and people I have in my life.  Some people, unfortunately, never get to experience falling in love.  They can never fathom the feeling of just staring into their partners' eyes and doing absolutely nothing else, but yet not wanting to do anything else.  Why would you want to?

Almost 3 years, and I love this woman more than I ever have before.  

And to the girl who has been so devastated, so broken-hearted, I am sorry.  Life is unpredictable, and even though we can never truly change it, we have others to support us in our time of need.

I never knew you, but wherever you may roam, I hope you are at peace.

RIP Adam Howard.

Not my words...

...But words to live by.

"Marcos is gay in San Francisco, black in South Africa, an Asian in Europe, a Chicano in San Ysidro, an anarchist in Spain, a Palestinian in Israel, a Mayan Indian in the streets of San Cristobal, a gang member in Neza, a rocker in the National University, a Jew in Nazi Germany, an ombudsman in the Defense Ministry, a communist in the post-Cold War era, an artist without gallery or portfolio.... A pacifist in Bosnia, a housewife alone on Saturday night in any neighborhood in any city in Mexico, a striker in the CTM, a reporter writing filler stories for the back pages, a single woman on the subway at 10 pm, a peasant without land, an unemployed worker... an unhappy student, a dissident amid free market economics, a writer without books or readers, and, of course, a Zapatista in the mountains of southeast Mexico. So Marcos is a human being, any human being, in this world. Marcos is all the exploited, marginalized and oppressed minorities, resisting and saying, 'Enough'!"

I apologize to my friend David in advance...

Forgive me David, but I have to get something off of my chest.

The man posted above is a rapper that goes by the stage name "Lil' Wayne".  He, along with Soulja Boy, have ruined hip-hop for me.  At least recently, anyway.  Before a couple of days ago, I never really paid attention to the so called "music" he put out, and I sort of wish I would have kept it that way.

This man lacks talent, lacks heart, lacks respect; fuck it, he just sucks overall.  There is nothing that can or will come out of this guy that will be good.  A truckload of failure.  Holy shit.

/rant

2008 Recommendations

This year has shown some great releases, and although I won't be providing download links this time, maybe I will at a later time. Be sure to support these artists when they roll through your area!

Cursed - III: Architects Of Troubled Sleep
Disfear - Live The Storm
Rotten Sound - Cycles
Thrice - The Alchemy Index: Vol. 3 & 4
Clouds - We Are Above You
Meshuggah - obZen
Trash Talk - s/t
Indian - Slights And Abuse/The Sychophant
Torche - Meanderthal
Advent - Remove The Earth
Nachtmystium - Assassins: Black Meddle Pt. 1
Blacklisted - Heavier Than Heaven, Lonelier Than God
Boris - Smile
Cult Of Luna - Eternal Kingdom
United Nations - s/t
Immortal Technique - The Third World
Opeth - Watershed

Those are just some of my personal favorites so far from this year, and there still many amazing albums to be released. Keep your eyes peeled for the new Toxic Holocaust, Giant, Mastodon, Jacob Bannon, and Thursday records.

-Mario

The Earth Will Shake.

Punch the clock and assume the position...

My life as a college student began this past Monday, August 18th. I had to wake up at 5:30 in the morning so I could grab a ride from my dad; for those who don't know, I don't drive. I will starting this December, though! But that's beside the point. I got to school at 6:30ish, a full 1 and 1/2 hours before my first class. Not only did that make me angry, it helped me make LCC history. I was literally the first student on campus for the Fall 2008 semester. Total win.

The man who was there had literally just gotten to the building where I was, and I saw him unlock the building, turn on the lights, etc. Pretty awesome stuff, if you ask me. I waited around for a while, just hanging out, and I even saw a couple of familiar faces. Time went on, and it was time for time for my career at LCC to begin. Where better to start than a remedial math course?

MAT 070 - yes, MAT with no "h", was my first class at 8 AM. High school algebra all over again. I thought I was done with you forever! Our teacher, Kevin Parker, seemed like a solid guy and I'm currently getting along with him just fine. The past couple of days has been pretty basic stuff, so not much needs to be said here.

Had an hour break, so I got some grub. For any LCC students reading this, the grill at the student center rules. I bought a sausage/egg/cheese sandwich, and it was one of the best I've ever had. Get on that shit.

ENG 111 - Expository Writing. I have a few friends in this class, so it doesn't seem so bad thus far. Christine Bates, my instructor, seems like a personable, family type of woman. Not very intimidating, which was my expectation for my English teacher.

I'm going to go into detail here because we had a reading assignment on a lady named Nancy Mairs (if my memory serves me correctly), a radical feminist and pacifist who suffers from Multiple Sclerosis. Her essay portrayed the media as it truly is -- domineering. The media in this age, is such a double standard. Every day we hear about trivial things, who broke up with who, which person died, but in the end, its almost as if it always falls back on the "beautiful" and "perfect" people.

Mairs' main point in the essay is that she would like to see more people with disabilities to be portrayed on television. Obviously, this is seen as troublesome by many. It shows vulnerability, and it shows how spineless the media can be. We ostracize those who are different thant us, and that's the way it always has been.

She goes on to talk about how she saw a television movie based on a woman who was diagnosed with a debilitating disease, and apparently her doctor falls in love with her. When she learns her diagnosis, her plan was to leave the country to go about her business and carry out her personal wishes. The doctor, being the shining knight he is, went after her in an attempt to stop her. Before she could leave the country, they talked, and she opted to stay with him rather than do what she wanted. Dependence over independence. Not exactly the portrayal Mairs or I want to see.

I'll probably expound even more upon that essay at a later time, but I definitely recommend reading it. I'm sorry if I gave the wrong name, I don't have my english textbook near me to clarify.

SPA 111 - Introduction to Spanish. "Why are you in this class?" I'm sure you're asking me that right now. The credit hours, duh. I actually had the option to challenge the course and go ahead and take the final exam, but I passed on that. Was the dumb of me, knowing I probably could have aced it? Probably. I like my current teachers though! Carrie Carman is awesome, down to earth, and very knowledgeable. Hopefully my girlfriend won't hate her too much, haha. Kidding!

My Spanish lab teacher, Sra. Cavenaugh, is cool too, and she's giving me my first job as a Spanish tutor. I'm finally going to be making that money! But yeah, the Spanish class and lab are both pretty basic stuff.

And finally SOC 210 - Intro to Sociology. Our teacher has been gone since day one due to an emergency operation on her gallbladder, so I wish her a speedy recovery. We've watched videos on Cuban and Chinese Americans, so that' all I can pretty much say. My good friend David is in that class, so that's a bonus.

I realized that this blog was long, but I had to bring all of you readers up to speed on what was happening in my life. I'm growing up! College life isn't as glamorous as all of the frat comedy movies make it out to be, though. Maybe when I make it university it'll be more exciting.

However, I'm looking forward to my time here at LCC, and can only hope that I will push my boundaries as a student. Here's to high hopes!

-Mario

The Earth Will Shake.

It's so hard to find good help these days...

Where I live, it's hard to find people who appreciate the same music as I do, or people who play an instrument with an interest in my taste in music. If I were to start a band, I would want other members to throw in their own ideas, but I just can't seem to find these kinds of people in Kinston, NC.

I have an idea of who I could possibly start a band with, but it just wouldn't work out right now unfortunately. Maybe when I go off to university it'll work out.

But if you are reading this, and you worship bands like Cursed, His Hero Is Gone, Tragedy, etc, get into contact with me! I need live music in my life.

I knew this blog would come sooner than later...

Religion is a touchy subject, especially when you're around the wrong people. Some people have it force fed to them when they are young, and some see it as an alternative to a bad lifestyle. For me, it was the former. I guess in the course of life, we all have our unanswered questions, and yet, who do we direct them to? Could their possibly be a higher being?

I'd say within the last 2 years I became an atheist of sorts. I phrase it like that because I choose not to believe in a god, but I also haven't properly explored religions beyond Christianity. Am I going to burn up in hell when I die for refusing Jesus Christ as my personal savior? I guess that's for ignorance to decide. I choose not to think about what will happen after I die, not because I'm scared or confused, but because I just can't think of things getting much better or worse after we die (i.e. heaven or hell).

What made me start thinking this way? Well, I'm kind of a young guy, and around this time of the average person's life, it's probably considered normal to question the existence of a god. While this is true, it is not the main factor, obviously. You get to thinking about the danger that religion can bring to this world: holy wars, aggression, ignorance, the fucking hippies, overzealous fools blinded by their own teachings, etc. Mostly, it's the violence. The war on terror, the war on drugs, the war on bullshit; it all translates back to the Christian right that this bigot country was founded upon. Don't call me a good patriot, don't call me a bad person. These are all just my feelings.

But for others, religion can bring joy to people, especially in this country. Some people often find it difficult to make it through the day, and it is possible that religion is what keeps them here. People find safety in religion. This is the positive side that I'm sure most of us could agree on. My parents are, always have been, and always will be catholic. My dad prays with his rosary almost every time he enters his car, just so he can have a safe trip to wherever he goes. My parents believe that god puts you on this earth, but it is on you to take care of what you need to accomplish.

Hell, even once in a while I'll go to church with my parents. No, my flesh is not set ablaze as soon as I enter the church, but it does feel a bit weird. Why do I ever go to church? To make my parents happy, of course! Church is another way (for some people) to bring families together. It gives people the opportunity of communication with one another, something that this world lacks more and more. For some people, it brings a smile to their face. And in the end, isn't that what we all eventually want?

I see the pro's and con's of religion. It can obviously tie into various political topics I feel strong about, whether it's the fact I'm pro-choice or for gay marriage. People will never completely see eye to eye, and that's what religion eats away at. Religion just gives us another reason to fight. My god is better than your god!

I don't have faith in a god, but I do believe in certain things. I believe that the love of others can help me get through the day. I believe that making someone laugh or smile is doing some good for this world. People need to be more happy, as cliche as that sounds.

Basically, as I just said, I think people need to believe in something. Whether it is a god, several gods, love, trust, bullshit, etc. No matter how adamant a person is about atheism, they have to believe in something, right? Most times, they believe in Darwinism! There's something. I respect any of your beliefs. I may strongly disagree, but I respect them. I love the way I choose to see life, and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.

-Mario

The Earth Will Shake.