I am alone

Typical livejournal blog, but I don't give a fuck because no one reads this.

I have become so lost in life. I've kinda brushed school aside, I broke up with a girl that I didn't love... which I guess is a good thing in the end, but I led that relationship on for over a year. It has only been almost 2 weeks and I'm already making a mistake by talking to someone new. She is beautiful and she seems nice, but I just don't want to do anything with anyone.

I want to sit in my room, get all of the tears out of me and try to readjust my life. School needs to be my main focus. I need to get my GPA back up so when I graduate I can go on to grad school and look for a decent job. Not because society tells me I need to do so, but because I want that life for myself. I am the only person that can make it happen. I know I have the capability, but it is just so hard to make myself do it. I know, first world problems, huh?

Right now, I fucking hate myself. I don't know what to do about this new girl. I can't rush into another relationship, or I'll surely go off the deep end. Plus, I'm tired of hurting.

I'm broke. I'm tired. I'm depressed. I'm confused. I feel like this blog post will serve no real purpose other than getting some venting off of my chest.

Thank you to the awesome movies I watch and the depressing music I listen to for making me feel slightly better. And to a select few friends, thank you for being there for me. I know you all have your own shit to deal with, so when you make time to deal with my shit, I know that I can truly call you a good friend. And my family. I love all of you so very much, and I'm sorry I've never been the best son. Iknow you guys deserve a lot more love out of me, and I don't call my brother and sister as much as I'd like... but you guys are always in my heart and I miss you guys so much. Glenn, I really wish you could be here right now.

I sit here, crying as I type this. Just so confused as to what to do next. I have a date tonight that I'm having second thoughts about. But, I'm too much of a pushover to say anything. I don't want to hurt somebody else's feelings and it puts that much more pressure on my own feelings. That is all I can feel right now. An enormous amount of pressure.

You won't find love in a hole. It takes more than fucking someone to keep yourself warm.

As for everything else, fuck you.

Sworn To The Darkness

I have returned, bwahaha.

Recently, I have decided to revive this blog. My interest in music, film, and concerts has only increased, and I feel the need to express my opinion on those subjects. I'm no journalist, but I will do my absolute best to write well thought out reviews, among other personal experiences/rants.

Let us see where this goes...

Now playing:

Thou - Summit
Yndi Halda - Enjoy Eternal Bliss
Thrice - Beggars
Deathspell Omega - Paracletus

Life as of late

sucks.

On my birthday, my only wish is for something to go right for me. I'm going to go drown my sorrows in alcohol.

I'm Trying To Disappear

This life is not inviting. The fighting in me has ceased. When it looks like I'm growing thin and weak, please don't hesitate to cut the leash. It's only a matter of time before I inherit my bloodline's evils. I don't think it's wise for me to get close to too many people. My bruises seem to be breeding, and my body has become a landing strip for flies. In the mirror watching blood dry, trying to cut out the bags beneath my eyes.

My skin is turning gray, and I haven't bathed in days. Please don't encourage me - I'm enslaved, I can't be saved.

A couple of months later...

And things are more or less the same. A couple of interesting things have happened, such as being inducted to my college's honor society, Phi Theta Kappa. Don't be mislead by the name, though, because I won't be partaking in Greek life. So, it's pretty much a Greek title without the date rape and drunkenness. 

Also, after putting it off for quite some time, I am finally going to the DMV this week to obtain my license. It's about fucking time, honestly. I really don't know why I waited so long to get it, though. I mean, it's not like I fear the road, driving, or anything of the sort. Procrastination and laziness got the best of me, I guess.

On another school related note, I'm starting up a Spanish club for the fall semester. I know that doesn't mean much for people reading this blog, but it's practically a milestone in my life. The fact that I even wanted to start this club really opened my eyes to exactly how important school life is to me now. Just a year ago, I would skip a class that  I was practically failing just because I didn't feel like putting forth the effort. In a really cliché way, I'm really proud of myself. Some people might say that grades are not important, but they sure as hell are to me. There is absolutely nothing you can say to convince me otherwise. But back to the original point, if any LCC students read this, join the club!

Oh yeah, United Blood 2009. Trash Talk dropped off day one due to a family emergency, so I was a little bummed about that. The following bands definitely made a fan out of me: COA, Title Fight, Convicted, War Hungry, and Trapped Under Ice (live). I say live because I still can't get into TUI on record. Personally, I think they're a tad overrated, but whatever.

Day Two was definitely the day I was excited for. Converge, Blacklisted, Ceremony, Pulling Teeth, Coliseum, and Rise & Fall all played, among others. All of the aforementioned bands absolutely killed, including Pulling Teeth, despite the incident that caused this fest to be cleverly renamed "United Flood." 

During Pulling Teeth's set, people were climbing along pipes on the first floor's ceiling, which wasn't very smart in the first place. But you know, whatever!  I guess the pipe had had enough at that point, and completely burst open. Unfortunately, this caused Pulling Teeth to immediately stop their set, and most of the main floor was evacuated for cleaning. Now, there was a big debate was to what exactly was in the water that covered the floor. People were saying it was a mixture of filtered poop and water, filtered oil and water, etc. All I will say is that it smelled bad when I stood close to the stream, and it was a blackish color. 

About an hour or so later, Pulling Teeth finished out their set. Rise & Fall, Coliseum, Blacklisted, and Ceremony all had amazing sets, as I had expected. However, no one could touch Converge. Not by a mile. Every time I see Converge live, I am completely floored by how greatly they execute their songs. When Kurt Ballou started riffing on "Plagues," I felt like a 5 year old at an amusement park. I hadn't been that excited in quite a while, and all that culminated as soon as the opening notes to "The Saddest Day" were played. 

I could go on, but I think everyone should know by now how great Converge is live. Side note - they played a new song, and it destroyed. 

Well, I'm done typing. I'll see you in a few months. Hopefully sooner.

Goodbye, young friend.

I didn't know this kitty for too long, which was unfortunate. However, I first saw him just weeks after he was born, and I remember picking him up and cuddling him. It was funny, because until recently, he was always really distant to me. Every time I approached him, he would hiss at me and warn me to keep my distance. A little baby kitty thinking I'm going to be scared!

But within the past two weeks or so, this one finally started opening up to me. He came inside of my house, it spent the night inside, despite it's moan-like meowing. Not long after, he would start rubbing up against my legs every time I saw him. Just earlier today, he kept following me and demanded me to pet him. :)

But then I woke up from a short lived nap to the racket that was actually my mother bawling. My dad had accidentally hit the poor kitty. Naturally, I went out and called for him, only to be returned by the most pained sounds an animal can make. Not a meow, not a cry; this was something far more tear-jerking.

For the squeamish, I will warn you, it gets a little graphic and a little emotional at this point.

My neighbor, Mr. Henderson, handles kitties and dogs very well, so he came over with his flashlight so we could see exactly where the kitty was hiding. He was under our Explorer, and stared at us. Mouth agape, drenched in blood, having spasms due to the pain, and trying his absolute best to limp towards us. He crawled over just under the front tire, and we could see the damage done in it's entirety. At that point, we all knew that nothing could be done. He was crying for help, crying for the pain to be as quick as possible, and there was nothing I could do to help. He made one last tortured screech and coughed up a pool of blood. His eyes froze. One last spasm. I had never watched an animal die before.

With Kaitlin, I was depressed, but I didn't watch her die. I also realized that I had never truly named the kitty, besides the ridiculous nickname my mother gave him - "Titi." I'm not entirely sure why, but I decided on Jacob as soon as his life ended. Jacob was too young.

Keep Kaitlin company, Jacob. I already miss you.

Bringing you up to speed through photography...

For all of my fans out there (I kid, I kid), I apologize for not updating this as often as I'd like to. The winter break had my mind focused on other things, and now that I'm back at school, I've been pretty busy. Enjoy:

Receiving the M.E. Zeke Scholarship

Brothers reunited

Snow in Astoria, Queens

Times Square in all of its headachery/beauty

Brothers at the Rockefeller Center tree

Snow in Kinston, NC

The lady and me enjoying the snow

Sarah showing the camera some love

Album of 2008

Change!

Currently listening to:
===============
Harvey Milk - Courtesy And Goodwill Toward Men
Napalm Death - Time Waits For No Slave
Akimbo - Jersey Shores
Young Widows - Old Wounds
Mind Eraser - Glacial Reign


Currently reading:
=============
Comrades!: A History Of World Communism by Robert Service
Preacher Vol. 1: Gone To Texas by Garth Ennis, Steve Dillon
Buried Mirror by Carlos Fuentes
The Killing Joke by Alan Moore, Brian Bolland